Real Life Resume

This week I redid my resume and was shocked at how awesome I look on paper. I would totally hire me. I sound interesting, well-rounded, adaptable, and promotable. I sound like a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants fearless go-getter.

Huh! Who knew!

It’s all smoke and mirrors though. Not that any of it is one whit less than factual; my list of duties/ promotions/ awards looks real spiffy all lined up in a row. It’s just that it doesn’t even come close to encompassing my true skill-set.

Someday I’d love to submit a real life resume, the things I’ve actually done at work; lessons I’ve actually learned from jobs. Maybe something like:

(2005 - 2010) Long-term Construction Job:
Painted realistic wood grain in extreme environments while fingers physically ached from the cold; personally purchased and used necessary brushes and tools not provided by multi-billion dollar employer; maintained integrity under physically and mentally toxic work conditions; consistently rejected inappropriate advances; successfully utilized Port-a-John even while smeared with poo and offensive graffiti; successfully utilized paint to strategically disguise menstrual accidents on Union-mandated white pants; maintained reasonably positive attitude in light of rampant sexism, racism, bigotry, ignorance, and sheer exhaustion.

(2003 - 2005) Long-term Tech Job:
Mitigated extreme irritation with humor; inappropriately utilized ‘mute’ button for shouted cursing when unable to take one more second of stupidity; showed extreme restraint in not yelling directly at truly idiotic customer base; developed highly quippy and much-loved online personality; doubled typing speed; flirted inappropriately; assembled team of like-minded smart-asses to make tedious and unbearable job entertaining; milked clear expectations and reward structure to fullest extent.

(Most of Oct 2003) Short-term Design Assistant Job:
Developed full understanding of phrase ‘crazy doesn’t need a reason.’

(1999- 2003) Long-term Resort Job:
Made lifelong friends; wrote hilarious fake reports back and forth with night manager; laughed too hard to answer phone; made second home for toddler (who promptly charmed bartenders into providing her with free Shirley Temples); utilized Children’s Program as daycare; learned that a good boss who appreciates you makes a huge difference; successfully disengaged emotionally upon learning owners keep the place as a tax write-off and aren’t interested in how much potential resort has or how much better it could be.

For total accuracy, I’d have to include all my parenting and relationship experience too I guess, but let’s just leave that door closed for today.


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