I expect changes. I mean-- I should, seeing as I’m actually trying to change... new horizons expanding, etc and whatnot. I just didn’t expect them to be all sneaky like this. I thought I’d feel lighter as old things fell away, brighter as new things bloomed in their place. I thought I’d notice crawling out of hibernation, see a sharp division between Winter and Spring.
Nope.
Looked up the other day and was startled to find my atrophied moxie right there in the passenger seat, looking very much like her former spunky self. I didn’t put her there. I didn’t even know she was still around. She just kinda waved and grinned and fiddled with the stereo.
I must be closer to “there” than I realized, and that’s good. But there’s an uncertain fog hesitating too; I don’t know what I think about parts of me becoming unrecognizable even to myself. Or maybe I just haven’t seen them in so long, I forgot what they looked like.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo today out of nowhere. Ohhh, I briefly thought about it before today. Sort of how I briefly think about emigrating to New Zealand. And then I’d chase the whim away with logical reasons not to commit-- like, the fact that I don’t really write fiction. How I moved from dismissal to choosing a username is still a little fuzzy. When I came to, I was introducing myself on forums, trying to figure out what genre my novel is going to be.
What. The. Jiminy. Crackers.
Really? I’m really taking this on? I couldn’t have picked a worse month to find 50,000 fictional words than this November. My calendar is already crammed with long weekends, roadtrips, turkeys, and at least one surgery. But-- the timing was nuts for NaBlo too, and I’m holding steady. I like the push of it, like working for a clear, objective goal. There has been far too much murky subjectivity in my head for far too long.
Today, from somewhere, the mission-should-I-choose-to-accept-it part of me yawned and stretched, then shrugged “Bring it” over coffee. She’s a leisurely kind of defiant, but no less determined for it. I forgot how it feels to push myself, instead of being bullied by circumstances. I like it.
Nope.
Looked up the other day and was startled to find my atrophied moxie right there in the passenger seat, looking very much like her former spunky self. I didn’t put her there. I didn’t even know she was still around. She just kinda waved and grinned and fiddled with the stereo.
I must be closer to “there” than I realized, and that’s good. But there’s an uncertain fog hesitating too; I don’t know what I think about parts of me becoming unrecognizable even to myself. Or maybe I just haven’t seen them in so long, I forgot what they looked like.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo today out of nowhere. Ohhh, I briefly thought about it before today. Sort of how I briefly think about emigrating to New Zealand. And then I’d chase the whim away with logical reasons not to commit-- like, the fact that I don’t really write fiction. How I moved from dismissal to choosing a username is still a little fuzzy. When I came to, I was introducing myself on forums, trying to figure out what genre my novel is going to be.
What. The. Jiminy. Crackers.
Really? I’m really taking this on? I couldn’t have picked a worse month to find 50,000 fictional words than this November. My calendar is already crammed with long weekends, roadtrips, turkeys, and at least one surgery. But-- the timing was nuts for NaBlo too, and I’m holding steady. I like the push of it, like working for a clear, objective goal. There has been far too much murky subjectivity in my head for far too long.
Today, from somewhere, the mission-should-I-choose-to-accept-it part of me yawned and stretched, then shrugged “Bring it” over coffee. She’s a leisurely kind of defiant, but no less determined for it. I forgot how it feels to push myself, instead of being bullied by circumstances. I like it.
If you want a buddy, there's a link on my blog! :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the NaNo thing. I wouldn't think of trying it as 50K is too much to even think of writing but I am cheering for all the bloggers who are signing up!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies! Carolyn, I definitely will take you up on that. :)
ReplyDelete