One Whole

Time away made me feel more sure about what I want going forward-- in my marriage, my parenting, house remodeling, work-- and now I’m home, freshly determined to incorporate all that into my current reality. What I want is integration.

I kept thinking one choice replaces a different choice. So very wrong. It’s not an either/or between (for example) ‘new baby’ or ‘new career.’ I am both those things already: Mom. Working. Just like I am both wife and my own person, simultaneously disorganized and on top of things, and a hippie who likes war movies. I could list about a million other examples; I have always been steeped in dichotomy. I guess I forgot that about myself.

I’ve made myself nuts trying to keep all my offshoots separate but equal, make sure every part of me gets the same amount of playing time. It doesn’t work like that. I’m everything I am, in all directions, all at once. Sometimes one strength dominates. Sometimes a weakness gets exercise. But they’re all me-- every last contrasting, exasperating, intricate bit.

And the depressing stuff-- stop letting it destroy me. There is yang in every yin. (Or... would it be yin in every yang? Well, whatever. Both are true.) There's a lot of hard in stepfamilies, but there's a lot of good too. Like everything else in the world, it will never be 100% good, or 100% bad. It will never be exactly how I want it, but it is what it is. Accept it. The yuck needs to be reabsorbed instead of rejected. Mistakes, come on back in. Just...take it easy on the carpet this time, okay? Regrets, you might as well come along too. But off to the side for a change. There’s room over there next to Worry. Happy? Joy? Focus? Ah yes, forgot about you three for a while. Front & center now.

There. That’s not so hard. Line all the mutinous thoughts up in a row and teach ‘em how to play nice. Like a Seurat, all those little bits of dark and light combine to create one vision. I just needed to take a step back to see it.

Thanks to Christina Katz & The Prosperous Writer for the perfect blog prompt.


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